Back again

Yes, back again! I know I've promised to post more often the last time but I did neither have time nor sometimes the will to write something .. from time to time I didn't feel well and had a lot on my mind and I even thought about just not going on this blog anymore! But as you can see - I decided against that!

But back to the title - that's only been the first part of 'back again' --> Tomorrow I'm moving to my parents again! 
I have mixed feelings about that ... about one week ago I was really excited and looking forward to that but now ... I can't really say. I am really worried that things get worse again at home with my parents :( I can't even say that I'm really looking forward to Christmas .. I don't really have this warm, excited Christmas feeling :/

Well, at the moment I'm already packing some things to bring them to my parents' house so that I won't have to take ALL my stuff from one place to another tomorrow.

From the last post I have learned that I probably shouldn't promise anything on here in case I don't get to keep it ;) so I just wish you all a nice Saturday evening and I'll write again some time :)

xxx

Thinking ...

Maybe you have wondered why there hasn't been any new post on here during the last time but I somehow never really had time or the will to sit down and write something. I am really thoughtful at the moment, maybe even depressed a bit and those thoughts .. well, they take a lot of my power :/ I think a lot about life, me and my situation, the ED and why everything happened the way it did .. And in some really hurtful way I miss my mom ... I mean I see her from time to time when I go to my parents' house (I still live at the house of another family that mine is friends with) but sometimes I really long for a long, big hug and she tells me that everything's alright and she loves me .. It makes me sad and angry at the same time that I think this way and am never fully content with how I'm doing or how my life goes. :((
With the eating I'm still having problems and by that I mean I have to be very careful not to lose some more weight! And the cold outside lets me feel even worse and sometimes my thoughts are darker than they honestly should! :(

In about an hour I'll leave for work in the afternoon and I hope it brings some more positive thoughts up so I won't have the same pessimistic thoughts on my mind all the time. I hope it works! :)

See you soon!
xxx

Surprise..

Good evening!

Wow, this has been crazy somehow ... I think to tell the whole story would end in a really long and probably confusing post so let me just shorten it all a bit: a girl in my English class has an Eating Disorder as well and told me today! It's not anorexia but bulimia.. She told me she had realized that it can't go on like this and asked where I 'had help' (at that time she didn't know about my ED, we had just talked about therapists becasue she said she needed someone to talk to and I had mentioned that I was going to one) and I was like .. 'Uhm, my therapist is specialised on one ... special topic and I don't know if that would be the right thing for you (there she hadn't said something about bulimia yet)' and she was like 'Mhm, why?' and then after shortly thinking about it I said 'It's for eating disorders.' And then she said 'Well.. I think that's .. appropriate.' I was really .. surprised .. not the right word but I can't think of a better one. Then I finally told her who my therapist is and gave her the phone number. We talked till the end of the break and she said she had bulimia but that her parents didn't know anything and I took heart and told her about my Eating Disorder!
It was a good feeling when she thanked me and I'm absolutely sure that my ED is safe because she won't tell anyone! And - except on here - I won't tell anybody about her situation.

The following school lessons I was thinking about it a lot .. I got the impression that there recently are a lot of people with eating disorders! Something must be terribly wrong in our society nowadays that loads of people get psychically sick, right?!

Well, I'm gonna eat supper now (yeah, really late but that somehow hasn't improved the last time ... :/ ) and watch a film or series! :)

Good night, have a nice weekend!

xxx

so tired o.o

I'm feeling sooooooo exhausted :( and in addition to that - or maybe as a consequence - the bad, negative thoughts come up .. not only now, already earlier today. That's for example like this: someone looks at me and I directly think this person for sure thinks something bad about me like I'm too skinny (yeah, I feel ashamed about that .. about me having an ED and not having 'solved the problem' yet) or I'm just strange somehow. :/ I feel like complete shit when this mood turns up and this is a situation where I doubt that life is good. Yes, I haven't written something really negative yet on this blog but as this is supposed to be for writing out my feelings it just had to come out!
I feel so bad somehow -.- I'm really looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow, I can feel how badly I'm in the need for that right now!!
And my hands hurt!! They are so dry that I got some little wounds because at some points the skin has ripped and due to my underweight (yeah, I know it's because of that and I'm judging myself badly for knowing but not changing it -.-) it won't heal fast or at all, I don't know, because the wound healing doesn't work properly :(
ugggh. You see I'm in a bad mood :/
I'll take a hot shower now and hope my thoughts and worries get better then:)

xxx

Yesterday & today

Hey you!
Yesterday I somehow didn't find time to write a post although there's something I would have really liked to already share yesterday: I went for a nice walk in the evening when it was already dark outside and then - BUM! I almost stepped on a hedgehog. AGAIN A HEDGEHOG :) Seems like I'm  a magnet for hedgehogs when I'm out, that one has been the second one in two weeks I think :D

And today I could drive myself to school (of course with my dad next to me (; because I'm not 18 yet) and it all went well and I was at school in time:)
This afternoon I first had to go to the doctor to be weighed and only some minutes afterwards already had to be at work in the bakery! I was a bit too late ... about 3 minutes only but in the end I had to stay 50 minutes longer. But well .. I get more money then, right?! ;) But now I need to do homework and eat dinner ... just have to get my lazy ass up. And I think I should at least try to go to bed earlier today .. I barely slept about 5 hours  this night and I have noticed that due to this lack of sleep I've been more irritable throughout the day :/
So wish me luck! ;)

See you soon
xxx

School ..

Yesterday there have been parent-teacher conferences at school in the afternoon and my mother went there to talk to some of my teachers .. so this evening after school I went to my parents' house to get to know what they said about me. Well, my mother told me that five out of six teachers she got to talk to asked about my state of health and how I was doing .. even my English teacher of who I wouldn't have expected to really care! But all the teachers are quite pleased with my activity during lessons and I'm a good student:) but in Maths my teacher couldn't say an exact grade for the first quarter of the school year because he hasn't corrected the exam we have written last week yet... but even in this subject (which used to be the one I wasn't that good at since .. almost ever!:D ) I'm doing well!

It was strange somehow to talk about the subject 'health' with my mother .. in my point of view it's a tensed topic to talk about. :/ In the past it always led to huge discussions .. no good memories! :( But well.. today it didn't take such a bad turn and my mother told me that some teachers asked how I was doing and if they could do something and my French teacher even gave her mobile number to call if something was wrong! It is a strange feeling really that other people care about me somehow .. I don't get along well with the thought of me being important or worth thinking of. I think that's a huge step I'll have to take in the future!

But for now, I'm not in the mood to write much more so I'll just stop it at this point and watch some series again;)

xxx

No time ... and WEEKEND! ;)

Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything the last days but it's not that I've forgotten the blog but I just didn't have ANY time really! I had long school days (today has also been one!), went working, had therapy ... and the time just seemed to run faster than I'd like it to ... I think for me 24 hours aren't enough for one day :D I mean ... the last two days I didn't go to bed before midnight and I have to get up at 6am .. I only got like 5 hours of sleep, which is definitely too little! Luckily I didn't fall asleep at school or anywhere else :P But I hope to get some more sleep now that it's finally weekend! :)

I'll write some more later, now I need some minutes to just sit down and relax :)

xxx

Good evening out there! :)

I'm not in the mood for writing a long post at the moment ... I had a really long day: I left at 7.15am for school and returned at about 5.30pm :/ and in addition, I didn't sleep that much last night and as a consequence I felt bad at school and my thoughts began running round .. that was really bad, I felt so down! :( But when I got home I just said 'Hello' to M (the mother of the family I'm living with at the moment) and she told me to sit down and we talked for a while. It did really good to me, she's so understandable and encouraging! :) I'm really thankful and happy about this conservation, really!
And to do something against the cold I just made me a cup of tea - mmm, nicely warming!:)

Tomorrow there's no school because the teachers have a further education at school and all students have a free day. :) In the morning I'm going to go riding again instead of this Saturday and in the afternoon I gotta go and work in the bakery. I just hope it won't be so freaking cold in the morning!! I can't stand the cold, it just makes me feel awfully terrible and makes bad thoughts come up :(

Does anyone know this feeling? That the cold makes you feel so bad that you even start doubting yourself?

Well, I'll just take a nice warm shower in some minutes, make me supper and watch a film or series!:)

xxx

Contract

Hey out there! ;)

I had to go see the doctor this afternoon to be weighed and today we finally got the contract concerning my weight done. I think I've mentioned it already in a previous post but I'll just explain it once more: For my therapy it is some sort of a condition that I go to a doctor to get weighed 'officially'. And part of that is a contract in which a certain weight is defined under which I should not fall .. otherwise - if I do so - I say (voluntary) yes to being sent to hospital to get it up again. The purpose is to make sure I can't lose weight without anyone noticing and as an assurance for my therapist that I won't suddenly faint or something like that during therapy.
So today we set the limit and on Thursday I'm going to give the signed contract to my therapist. But actually I hope that I'll never undergo this weight (I won't tell the number as I think it might be considered triggering and it is not a weight someone should desire to reach!) but during the last weeks my weight has maintained and I know that somewhen I'll have to get my weight up a bit..

Yeah, I still have some homework to get done so I'll hopefully be able to write some more in the next days :)

xxx

Ugh :/

Mhm, today I spent almost the whole day inside which is kind of a record for me because actually I go outside a lot but after some sunshine in the morning (when I couldn't convince myself to directly get up) it started to rain - which lasted till early evening! Then I decided to go for a walk and just stop by at my parent's house to pick up my dad's bus ticket for tomorrow (need it in the moring). It was already dark although it was only 6 o'clock in the evening ... honestly, I totally understand why many people get the 'winter blues' or winter depression in the last months of the year - there's just too little light! But back to the topic .. I coincidentally met my mother with our dog and somehow .. I don't know, it's strange being around my mother, I always feel tensed and strange somehow :/ I shortly talked to her and she asked if everything's fine and I was just like 'Yeah, why not?'. I think I am sort of blocking when I talk to her, as if I want to protect myself in some way ... Maybe it has something to do with how the relation between us has gone worse during the years of the ED, in situations of anger and desperation we have both said things that may have hurt the other one and I can't forget many situations like that! -.-
I'm recently thinking a lot, mostly about how things went their way in the years of the ED and that I think in some points it could or should have gone differently. Those thoughts make me sad and feel guilty somehow, sometimes I even kinda hate myself for how my life 'went wrong', e.g. that I got the ED.. naaah, I hate that, I could spend hours of thinking those same thoughts over and over again and feeling bad ... but sometimes it is good to rethink things, for example I have figured out that I put myself  under a lot of pressure because of my underweight and because I don't want it to go down more .. I make myself feel stressed if it goes down like a hundred grams because I have to go see the doctor for being weighed once a week as it is sort of a condition for my therapy to make sure my weight doesn't go down too much.

Well, this is the first sort of depressing post I guess, but that's what this blog is for, right?! - To get my feelings out, and I think it's important to not always show the happy face because in the inside it may look totally opposite!

Nonetheless, I wish you a nice Sunday evening and a good start in the next week tomorrow:)
xxx

Afternoon boredom ..

Yes, the title already says it: I am pretty bored ... just started to watch some series again and having a cheese sandwich with tomato :)
The weather is baaaaaaad :( In the morning it was already raining, not that much for which I am thankful because I went riding again, but in the afternoon it continued and now it's early evening and it has stopped .. I think. :P I'm just going to buy some cheese and oatmeal in some minutes and then go back watching films etc. And I have to get some things done for school but I like having a film or something playing because the silence often bothers me and makes me think a lot :/

What has your Saturday been like yet? :)
xxx

                                                                      nomnom ;)                                               

Hedgehog! :D

Good evening everyone! ;)

Yesterday was really good, I'm so glad I went to go and meet my friends! We were six girls and all the others were already there when I arrived and after I had showed them the DVDs I had brought we quickly decided to watch Step Up 2 The Streets. I can't remember having watched a Step Up-film before but I really really liked it! :) It's amazing how amazing those guys can dance :O  After the film had finished we also watched some of the extra videos on the DVD and talked a lot about school and the latest rumours and stuff we had heard ... It did good to me to have people my age around and one thing in special made me feel very good: In the end when I had to leave one of the girls said: It was nice that you came. :)
You know, sometimes such little gestures can make you feel really good and accepted! :)

Today was just a nothing-day: it was raining almost all the time and the sun was only there in the morning for a really short period of time :/ But in the evening I went to my parent's house and got my dog Meggy out for a walk ... and now I come to the title: I saw a hedgehog! I haven't seen any for ages really and I just stood there for a moment and didn't really know what to do. It was so cute :)) that made my day :D

Now I'm going to watch some crime series on TV, they are some sort of an addiction to me, haha :P

Good night you all! Stay strong:)
xxx

Happy Halloween! ;)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! :D

Yeah, today's Halloween .. I'm not doing something typical for Halloween today, I'm just going to drive (yes, I drive!(: ) to a friend's house and there we'll watch some film with some other girls. Today, my mood at first hasn't been that great due to headache and I didn't feel well because of the cold and somehow mentally I didn't feel alright .. but I had a talk with my therapist this afternoon and I'm really glad I could talk to her! It somehow makes me feel better and - even though I seem to don't like myself - she said that she likes me because I'm that open. Mhm .. so afterwards my mood was a lot better and I'm looking forward to the movie-night. I asked my dad if I could drive and he said yes, for which I am grateful because he can't drink beer as long as he has to get to the friend's house later to pick me up and I know that he has just bought some because tomorrow's a national holiday or something so he doesn't have to work. So - Thank you, dad! :)

Wish you all a nice evening, no matter what you're up to ;)

xxx

Today :)

Yeeeees, I have survived the Maths exam today :D It was quite good actually, I hope for a good grade .. it won't be the best - I know - but I'm pretty optimistic:) I just didn't get to finish the whole last exercise but I hope that won't be that bad :/


And as I had promised, here are some food photos ;)

 That's what I had on Saturday evening, watching some series on my laptop :) What you see is oatmeal with an apple, topped with cinnamon and one slice of some whole wheat crispbread(with seeds in it - very crunchy but really delicious!), raisins, almonds and the yellow/orange pieces are dried mango :) nomnom, I have that almost every evening!  [I've just noticed that on the first photo there's another smaller bowl .. that's some muesli with plain yoghurt and another apple (; ]
What do you like to eat? Do you also like to stick to what you eat every day or vary it?:) 

Wishing you all a nice evening!
xxx

Maths exam

Hey everyone!
Actually, I've already been about to write a post on Saturday evening but I was busy doing so many things at once that finally I didn't get to finish it. But I promise I'll post some yummy pictures in the near future as I had planned to do on Saturday ;)

Right now, I'm learning for my Maths exam tomorrow .. but honestly, there are so much more interesting things to do that I can hardly convince myself to really do something and sit down to study :S But I had Maths coaching on Saturday and I got the feeling that I'm doing okay at it so I hope tomorrow won't be such a failure :P

Anyway, wish me luck and hopefully I'll be posting again tomorrow! :)

xxx

Spontaneous drive :)

Now it's almost midnight here in Germany and only about 2 hours ago I got the spontaneous option to drive a car again:) I've already been that lucky this morning as my mother doesn't have to work this week and wanted to go to the gym in the morning so I asked if maybe I could drive now that I have my licence ... and I could! :) I was a bit ... not really worrying but maybe thinking a bit more about it because the last time I drove has been last week's friday .. but everything went well! Just for you to understand: the school I go to (and my brother, too) isn't in our town(which is actually a bit smaller..) but in a bigger town about 20km away so in the morning we always have to go by car or bus to get there!
Well .. this evening about .. 9.20pm my dad called me and asked if I wanted to drive because my brother wanted to go somewhere near the town we go to school at and I spontaneously said 'Yes' and it was good - I can still drive, even after a break of one week ;D

I'm going riding tomorrow morning so I guess it's time to try and find some sleep .. I got less than I probably should have during the last few days :/

Good night everyone!

Nice walk :)

In the early evening I went to my parent's house and took my dog Meggy for a nice long walk out. It was really nice, the leaves of the trees were beginning to fall down and they had a great yellow-orange colour .. it gave me a great feeling of autumn! :)

When I got to the house afterwards I met my dad and he told me that he had actually told my older brother take Meggy out in the evening - now I understand why he smiled quite happily when I said I wanted to 'borrow' Meggy for a while :D

I still got some exercises to do for English but I hope I'll get them done soon .. I think of watching 'The Mentalist' on my Laptop and go on studying at the same time, I hope it won't distract me too much ;)

But I'm a bit worried about tomorrow .. in the afternoon after school I gotta go to the doctor to be weighed as my therapist wants me to go there ... I have some sort of a contract that I'm not allowed to go below a certain weight but actually this contract hasn't been filled in comletely yet and there isn't any weight set yet as a limit but I'm of course aware of the fact that losing weight is not the way to go.. :/

Have a nice evening!

End of the holidays ..

Hello you all, if anyone is even reading what I write ...

Today's the last the of my autumn holidays and luckily the weather is really nice: the sun is shining and for October it's quite warm I think! :) But tomorrow I have to go to school again and I still got one book for my German class to read as well as a pack of papers that have to be done for my English class. But I think I'll go home soon and take my dog Meggy out for a walk into the sun, as long as it's still out it's worth enjoying it, right? ;)
I hope that I'll soon get a routine again with going to school, working and stuff and that everything goes on well...
I might write more later, maybe telling something more about me and my 'story'.

Have a nice sunday!

Moving out

Hello everyone :)
I know it's been some days since I've posted the last time but I've been quite busy the last days as there have some events taken place .. to name only one -> I have moved out! Yes, I don't live at my parent's house anymore now but with a family whose members are somewhat like friends:) They have 3 children, the oldest son has already moved out, the other son is my brother's friend and their daughter is in the US for half a year at the moment and I now have her room. The parents are really nice and the mother is a friend of my mom and I'd even say mine, too! It's an important step I think because at home with my parents (especially with my mother) the tensions and discussions were really bad... Here I feel quite good and I really like talking to M (the mother) because from the type of person I am (from character and thinking) she's quite similar to me and she somehow understands how complex I think! And she's really kind, and I have to admit that I really like how she cooks (if this is triggering or something just skip it!) although she almost always uses lots of oil (at least the good ones ;P ) as she is Catalan. But she asked me what I like to eat and she takes almost only whole-grain products and stuff to cook which I really appreciate! :)

I haven't mentioned yet but I have a little job at a bakery in my town where I help and sell bread and stuff so the last two days I worked there in the afternoon till evening. I also had some more driving lessons ... and by that we're coming to the next big point *drum roll*  ....
I got my driver's licence yesterday!! :)) 
the driving test was yesterday morning and I did well so now (as I'm still 17) I'm allowed to drive with either my mother or father until I turn 18 and can drive alone. :))) yeeey, I am really proud and today I went for a drive with my father at 9am. :) 



I guess I'll be posting something more later but for now I have to get a lot of stuff done for school because next week the two weeks of autumn holidays are over and I haven't really done anything the last few weeks :/

 see you later! ;)

Some food photos

I just felt the need to clarify that of course this is not a pro-blog!!! Just thought that this might not be clear so just to state that ! ;)

I'm also not so much into the ED anymore that I don't want to eat or whatever might come to your mind when you get on my blog .. so here are some photos of what I like to eat ! :)

Yesterday evening's supper: porridge/oatmeal made of oats, buttermilk & plain yoghurt (I had cut a small apple into it as well and put some cinnamon onto it which tastes really great!), 1 slice of crispbread, some almonds, raisins and 2 quite large slices of whole-grain bread with cream cheese, cheese and two small tomatoes (from our own garden! yes - even in October :D )

I ate that in my room while watching some series on my laptop :) I can really recommend you to try and put some cinnamon on your oatmeal/porridge - it's really delicious! *-* :D And I always like putting some almonds into the bowl and eat some others just out of my hand ;)

Have a nice evening! :)
xx

Introducing myself ;)

Helloooo :)

I don't really know how to begin this post but I'll just try.. As I have discovered some really lovely blogs during the last weeks made by other persons who have recovered or are still recovering from an Eating Disorder I felt inspired to start my own. [just wanted to mention Izzy (www.living-with-anorexia.blogspot.com) whose inspiring blog I discovered first and am reading every day :)]
soo .. maybe something about me to start off :P
I have an Eating Disorder since about the beginning of 2010, maybe it has even began a bit earlier or later, I don't know exactly .. During the last almost 3 years I have begun several therapies and was sent to hospital by my parents (as I'm not grown-up yet ;) ) twice, but I have to admit that things aren't over yet and I am again struggling with being underweight .. and of course bad thoughts about myself (not much concerning my weight and stuff, but much about the arguments and tensions between me and my parents because of the ED ..).
Well .. I just hoped that having a blog where I can write out my thoughts and stuff might be quite helpful and of course I hope to get some feedback of others who might struggle with similar things :)

Wish you all a nice Sunday ! :) (or what's still left of it :D )

uh, and I wanted to mention that although I post in English I am from Germany and therefore I already excuse myself for possibly making some mistakes .. but I just feel good writing in English .. I'm a language-geek and English is my favourite language :D :)