Thinking ...

Maybe you have wondered why there hasn't been any new post on here during the last time but I somehow never really had time or the will to sit down and write something. I am really thoughtful at the moment, maybe even depressed a bit and those thoughts .. well, they take a lot of my power :/ I think a lot about life, me and my situation, the ED and why everything happened the way it did .. And in some really hurtful way I miss my mom ... I mean I see her from time to time when I go to my parents' house (I still live at the house of another family that mine is friends with) but sometimes I really long for a long, big hug and she tells me that everything's alright and she loves me .. It makes me sad and angry at the same time that I think this way and am never fully content with how I'm doing or how my life goes. :((
With the eating I'm still having problems and by that I mean I have to be very careful not to lose some more weight! And the cold outside lets me feel even worse and sometimes my thoughts are darker than they honestly should! :(

In about an hour I'll leave for work in the afternoon and I hope it brings some more positive thoughts up so I won't have the same pessimistic thoughts on my mind all the time. I hope it works! :)

See you soon!
xxx

Surprise..

Good evening!

Wow, this has been crazy somehow ... I think to tell the whole story would end in a really long and probably confusing post so let me just shorten it all a bit: a girl in my English class has an Eating Disorder as well and told me today! It's not anorexia but bulimia.. She told me she had realized that it can't go on like this and asked where I 'had help' (at that time she didn't know about my ED, we had just talked about therapists becasue she said she needed someone to talk to and I had mentioned that I was going to one) and I was like .. 'Uhm, my therapist is specialised on one ... special topic and I don't know if that would be the right thing for you (there she hadn't said something about bulimia yet)' and she was like 'Mhm, why?' and then after shortly thinking about it I said 'It's for eating disorders.' And then she said 'Well.. I think that's .. appropriate.' I was really .. surprised .. not the right word but I can't think of a better one. Then I finally told her who my therapist is and gave her the phone number. We talked till the end of the break and she said she had bulimia but that her parents didn't know anything and I took heart and told her about my Eating Disorder!
It was a good feeling when she thanked me and I'm absolutely sure that my ED is safe because she won't tell anyone! And - except on here - I won't tell anybody about her situation.

The following school lessons I was thinking about it a lot .. I got the impression that there recently are a lot of people with eating disorders! Something must be terribly wrong in our society nowadays that loads of people get psychically sick, right?!

Well, I'm gonna eat supper now (yeah, really late but that somehow hasn't improved the last time ... :/ ) and watch a film or series! :)

Good night, have a nice weekend!

xxx

so tired o.o

I'm feeling sooooooo exhausted :( and in addition to that - or maybe as a consequence - the bad, negative thoughts come up .. not only now, already earlier today. That's for example like this: someone looks at me and I directly think this person for sure thinks something bad about me like I'm too skinny (yeah, I feel ashamed about that .. about me having an ED and not having 'solved the problem' yet) or I'm just strange somehow. :/ I feel like complete shit when this mood turns up and this is a situation where I doubt that life is good. Yes, I haven't written something really negative yet on this blog but as this is supposed to be for writing out my feelings it just had to come out!
I feel so bad somehow -.- I'm really looking forward to my therapy session tomorrow, I can feel how badly I'm in the need for that right now!!
And my hands hurt!! They are so dry that I got some little wounds because at some points the skin has ripped and due to my underweight (yeah, I know it's because of that and I'm judging myself badly for knowing but not changing it -.-) it won't heal fast or at all, I don't know, because the wound healing doesn't work properly :(
ugggh. You see I'm in a bad mood :/
I'll take a hot shower now and hope my thoughts and worries get better then:)

xxx

Yesterday & today

Hey you!
Yesterday I somehow didn't find time to write a post although there's something I would have really liked to already share yesterday: I went for a nice walk in the evening when it was already dark outside and then - BUM! I almost stepped on a hedgehog. AGAIN A HEDGEHOG :) Seems like I'm  a magnet for hedgehogs when I'm out, that one has been the second one in two weeks I think :D

And today I could drive myself to school (of course with my dad next to me (; because I'm not 18 yet) and it all went well and I was at school in time:)
This afternoon I first had to go to the doctor to be weighed and only some minutes afterwards already had to be at work in the bakery! I was a bit too late ... about 3 minutes only but in the end I had to stay 50 minutes longer. But well .. I get more money then, right?! ;) But now I need to do homework and eat dinner ... just have to get my lazy ass up. And I think I should at least try to go to bed earlier today .. I barely slept about 5 hours  this night and I have noticed that due to this lack of sleep I've been more irritable throughout the day :/
So wish me luck! ;)

See you soon
xxx

School ..

Yesterday there have been parent-teacher conferences at school in the afternoon and my mother went there to talk to some of my teachers .. so this evening after school I went to my parents' house to get to know what they said about me. Well, my mother told me that five out of six teachers she got to talk to asked about my state of health and how I was doing .. even my English teacher of who I wouldn't have expected to really care! But all the teachers are quite pleased with my activity during lessons and I'm a good student:) but in Maths my teacher couldn't say an exact grade for the first quarter of the school year because he hasn't corrected the exam we have written last week yet... but even in this subject (which used to be the one I wasn't that good at since .. almost ever!:D ) I'm doing well!

It was strange somehow to talk about the subject 'health' with my mother .. in my point of view it's a tensed topic to talk about. :/ In the past it always led to huge discussions .. no good memories! :( But well.. today it didn't take such a bad turn and my mother told me that some teachers asked how I was doing and if they could do something and my French teacher even gave her mobile number to call if something was wrong! It is a strange feeling really that other people care about me somehow .. I don't get along well with the thought of me being important or worth thinking of. I think that's a huge step I'll have to take in the future!

But for now, I'm not in the mood to write much more so I'll just stop it at this point and watch some series again;)

xxx

No time ... and WEEKEND! ;)

Yeah, I know I haven't posted anything the last days but it's not that I've forgotten the blog but I just didn't have ANY time really! I had long school days (today has also been one!), went working, had therapy ... and the time just seemed to run faster than I'd like it to ... I think for me 24 hours aren't enough for one day :D I mean ... the last two days I didn't go to bed before midnight and I have to get up at 6am .. I only got like 5 hours of sleep, which is definitely too little! Luckily I didn't fall asleep at school or anywhere else :P But I hope to get some more sleep now that it's finally weekend! :)

I'll write some more later, now I need some minutes to just sit down and relax :)

xxx

Good evening out there! :)

I'm not in the mood for writing a long post at the moment ... I had a really long day: I left at 7.15am for school and returned at about 5.30pm :/ and in addition, I didn't sleep that much last night and as a consequence I felt bad at school and my thoughts began running round .. that was really bad, I felt so down! :( But when I got home I just said 'Hello' to M (the mother of the family I'm living with at the moment) and she told me to sit down and we talked for a while. It did really good to me, she's so understandable and encouraging! :) I'm really thankful and happy about this conservation, really!
And to do something against the cold I just made me a cup of tea - mmm, nicely warming!:)

Tomorrow there's no school because the teachers have a further education at school and all students have a free day. :) In the morning I'm going to go riding again instead of this Saturday and in the afternoon I gotta go and work in the bakery. I just hope it won't be so freaking cold in the morning!! I can't stand the cold, it just makes me feel awfully terrible and makes bad thoughts come up :(

Does anyone know this feeling? That the cold makes you feel so bad that you even start doubting yourself?

Well, I'll just take a nice warm shower in some minutes, make me supper and watch a film or series!:)

xxx

Contract

Hey out there! ;)

I had to go see the doctor this afternoon to be weighed and today we finally got the contract concerning my weight done. I think I've mentioned it already in a previous post but I'll just explain it once more: For my therapy it is some sort of a condition that I go to a doctor to get weighed 'officially'. And part of that is a contract in which a certain weight is defined under which I should not fall .. otherwise - if I do so - I say (voluntary) yes to being sent to hospital to get it up again. The purpose is to make sure I can't lose weight without anyone noticing and as an assurance for my therapist that I won't suddenly faint or something like that during therapy.
So today we set the limit and on Thursday I'm going to give the signed contract to my therapist. But actually I hope that I'll never undergo this weight (I won't tell the number as I think it might be considered triggering and it is not a weight someone should desire to reach!) but during the last weeks my weight has maintained and I know that somewhen I'll have to get my weight up a bit..

Yeah, I still have some homework to get done so I'll hopefully be able to write some more in the next days :)

xxx

Ugh :/

Mhm, today I spent almost the whole day inside which is kind of a record for me because actually I go outside a lot but after some sunshine in the morning (when I couldn't convince myself to directly get up) it started to rain - which lasted till early evening! Then I decided to go for a walk and just stop by at my parent's house to pick up my dad's bus ticket for tomorrow (need it in the moring). It was already dark although it was only 6 o'clock in the evening ... honestly, I totally understand why many people get the 'winter blues' or winter depression in the last months of the year - there's just too little light! But back to the topic .. I coincidentally met my mother with our dog and somehow .. I don't know, it's strange being around my mother, I always feel tensed and strange somehow :/ I shortly talked to her and she asked if everything's fine and I was just like 'Yeah, why not?'. I think I am sort of blocking when I talk to her, as if I want to protect myself in some way ... Maybe it has something to do with how the relation between us has gone worse during the years of the ED, in situations of anger and desperation we have both said things that may have hurt the other one and I can't forget many situations like that! -.-
I'm recently thinking a lot, mostly about how things went their way in the years of the ED and that I think in some points it could or should have gone differently. Those thoughts make me sad and feel guilty somehow, sometimes I even kinda hate myself for how my life 'went wrong', e.g. that I got the ED.. naaah, I hate that, I could spend hours of thinking those same thoughts over and over again and feeling bad ... but sometimes it is good to rethink things, for example I have figured out that I put myself  under a lot of pressure because of my underweight and because I don't want it to go down more .. I make myself feel stressed if it goes down like a hundred grams because I have to go see the doctor for being weighed once a week as it is sort of a condition for my therapy to make sure my weight doesn't go down too much.

Well, this is the first sort of depressing post I guess, but that's what this blog is for, right?! - To get my feelings out, and I think it's important to not always show the happy face because in the inside it may look totally opposite!

Nonetheless, I wish you a nice Sunday evening and a good start in the next week tomorrow:)
xxx

Afternoon boredom ..

Yes, the title already says it: I am pretty bored ... just started to watch some series again and having a cheese sandwich with tomato :)
The weather is baaaaaaad :( In the morning it was already raining, not that much for which I am thankful because I went riding again, but in the afternoon it continued and now it's early evening and it has stopped .. I think. :P I'm just going to buy some cheese and oatmeal in some minutes and then go back watching films etc. And I have to get some things done for school but I like having a film or something playing because the silence often bothers me and makes me think a lot :/

What has your Saturday been like yet? :)
xxx

                                                                      nomnom ;)                                               

Hedgehog! :D

Good evening everyone! ;)

Yesterday was really good, I'm so glad I went to go and meet my friends! We were six girls and all the others were already there when I arrived and after I had showed them the DVDs I had brought we quickly decided to watch Step Up 2 The Streets. I can't remember having watched a Step Up-film before but I really really liked it! :) It's amazing how amazing those guys can dance :O  After the film had finished we also watched some of the extra videos on the DVD and talked a lot about school and the latest rumours and stuff we had heard ... It did good to me to have people my age around and one thing in special made me feel very good: In the end when I had to leave one of the girls said: It was nice that you came. :)
You know, sometimes such little gestures can make you feel really good and accepted! :)

Today was just a nothing-day: it was raining almost all the time and the sun was only there in the morning for a really short period of time :/ But in the evening I went to my parent's house and got my dog Meggy out for a walk ... and now I come to the title: I saw a hedgehog! I haven't seen any for ages really and I just stood there for a moment and didn't really know what to do. It was so cute :)) that made my day :D

Now I'm going to watch some crime series on TV, they are some sort of an addiction to me, haha :P

Good night you all! Stay strong:)
xxx