Ugh :/

Mhm, today I spent almost the whole day inside which is kind of a record for me because actually I go outside a lot but after some sunshine in the morning (when I couldn't convince myself to directly get up) it started to rain - which lasted till early evening! Then I decided to go for a walk and just stop by at my parent's house to pick up my dad's bus ticket for tomorrow (need it in the moring). It was already dark although it was only 6 o'clock in the evening ... honestly, I totally understand why many people get the 'winter blues' or winter depression in the last months of the year - there's just too little light! But back to the topic .. I coincidentally met my mother with our dog and somehow .. I don't know, it's strange being around my mother, I always feel tensed and strange somehow :/ I shortly talked to her and she asked if everything's fine and I was just like 'Yeah, why not?'. I think I am sort of blocking when I talk to her, as if I want to protect myself in some way ... Maybe it has something to do with how the relation between us has gone worse during the years of the ED, in situations of anger and desperation we have both said things that may have hurt the other one and I can't forget many situations like that! -.-
I'm recently thinking a lot, mostly about how things went their way in the years of the ED and that I think in some points it could or should have gone differently. Those thoughts make me sad and feel guilty somehow, sometimes I even kinda hate myself for how my life 'went wrong', e.g. that I got the ED.. naaah, I hate that, I could spend hours of thinking those same thoughts over and over again and feeling bad ... but sometimes it is good to rethink things, for example I have figured out that I put myself  under a lot of pressure because of my underweight and because I don't want it to go down more .. I make myself feel stressed if it goes down like a hundred grams because I have to go see the doctor for being weighed once a week as it is sort of a condition for my therapy to make sure my weight doesn't go down too much.

Well, this is the first sort of depressing post I guess, but that's what this blog is for, right?! - To get my feelings out, and I think it's important to not always show the happy face because in the inside it may look totally opposite!

Nonetheless, I wish you a nice Sunday evening and a good start in the next week tomorrow:)
xxx